Men, just like women, cope with infertility in different ways, depending on their desire to have kids, their individual personalities, and the reaction of their spouses/partners to the infertility diagnosis. Many men are completely shocked at the infertility diagnosis and may feel the same level of devastation that is often experienced by infertile women; other men may feel that they aren’t as affected as their spouse or girlfriend.
In today’s world, TV talk shows, women’s magazines and internet blogs all cover the trials of infertility. Women feel comfortable talking about their struggles with friends, family or even with a support group. For men, however, it is not so easy to share their feelings and concerns. It is hardly a subject to talk about when they are out for a few beers with the “guys”.
Fertility is almost never talked about as a man’s issue. When a couple cannot conceive, the assumption is typically that it is the woman’s issue – “there must be something wrong with her”. More than one half of the 7.3 million people struggling with infertility today, however, are men. In about one-third of the cases, the issue stems from the man. In another third of the cases, the difficulties come from both sides or remain unexplained.
While there is no such thing as a typical male reaction to a diagnosis of infertility, men in this situation often report a number of emotions ranging from numbness, to a guilty sense of relief, to utter despair. A man’s response often depends on the root cause of the infertility.
Finding out that he is the reason why his partner cannot get pregnant is a heavy blow to a man’s pride and to his masculinity. Not only is he upset that he cannot give his wife or girlfriend something that she wants, he may also begin to feel insecure about his virility and even his social status. Men have been conditioned throughout time that it is their job to produce an heir. Men may even feel embarrassed about having a medical condition that causes infertility, and therefore they bottle up their feelings, causing a sense of personal isolation and loneliness.
When a couple finds out that they are impacted by female factor infertility, a man may become stressed and worried about his partner’s health. He may even be at a loss as to how he can help her emotionally, as the hormone drugs unleash up and down emotions into her every day life. Supporting his partner throughout the multiple doctor visits may be difficult as well, especially as the intimate details of their sexual relationship are discussed, not to mention having to produce semen on demand.
Once they receive an infertility diagnosis, a couple gets caught up into a world where fertility doctors are testing and trying solutions in what may seem like a never-ending situation. Life for these strong men changes quickly amid morning visits to the clinic, evening injections, aling with discussions about the development of follicles and cryopreservation. Sometimes all they can do is watch as their wives become human pincushions, helplessly waiting for just the right time to deposit their samples.
Infertility counselors say that men are the forgotten mourners. There is so much going on with their partners that men and their feelings are often marginalized during the quest for conception. Men feel a tremendous pressure during the attempts to get pregnant and that pressure leaves them feeling very, very anxious at times.
There are many infertility support groups available, however men do not usually attend the support sessions even though they can be very helpful for both partners. Support groups help patients discover different methods of coping with infertility while achieving greater hope, empathy, encouragement, and support in their time of need. It helps to share with others. If you are experiencing any of the emotions described, emotional support is always available. Consider finding a local support group or an infertility counselor to help you work through this emotional journey.
The reproductive specialists and staff at the Center for Reproductive Medicine understand that extra support is often needed when you have not been successful in your attempts to conceive. At CORM, our professional staff is committed to providing the highest quality reproductive medicine, while ensuring the best care possible is given to every patient/couple undergoing infertility treatment. If you live in the Houston area, be sure to call or ask about our monthly peer-led support group!